Ice Hockey - getting dressed

Having been present for the purchase of an important piece of ice hockey armour, I was overjoyed with the opportunity to witness an ice hockey game. Like many Australians and other readers from nations where ice is found almost exclusively in drinks, I was entirely ignorant about the equipment used for playing ice hockey. For the edification of these readers, I present the following photographic essay on the subject.

Hockey equipment can be divided loosely into two categories. First there is the "safety equipment," which includes assorted types of armour and padding designed to prevent injury to the player. Then there is the "danger equipment," which includes assorted types of weapons like sticks and blades designed to cause injury to other players. There are some pieces of equipment, like the helmet, that can be considered to fit into both categories, because it can legitimately be used both to cause injury to others and to minimise injury to the self, frequently in the same maneuver (e.g. the headbutt).



Before donning his armour the Ice Hockey player looks deceptively petite. Note the simple T-shirt and bare feet. At this point the only protective gear is the newly acquired boxer/cup combo. Note the colour coordination of the grey T-shirt and shorts. Even though none of this will be visible when the rest of the equipment is added to the ensemble, the player demonstrates a commitment to harmony in all layers.



Step 1: Socks and Lower Leg Armour. This high-tech padding has a solid shell on the outside that, despite the articulation at the knee, still makes players move a little bit like Robocop.



Step 2: Serious Socks. These go on over the Robocop leg armour. Note the holes from previous friction between ice and armour shell. Socks without holes are apparently a little bit girly ... like walking past sewing machines.



Step 3: Padded Shorts. Exactly what they sound like. These are shorts with generous padding everywhere except the butt cheeks. I'm not sure why the buttocks are deemed not to require additional protection. I imagine that landing butt first on the ice is a fairly bracing experience. Perhaps bum padding is also a bit girly.



Step 4: Skates and Sticky Tape. The skates feature a specialised design of two distinct edges separated by a U-shaped groove. Twin edges apparently increase stability, as well as doubling the chances of cutting someone. The serious socks are each wrapped with two tight bands of sticky tape. Tape apparently helps to keep the lower leg armour in place. Ducati Kevin told me the horror story of the one time he skipped step 4 and ended up with a broken kneecap. Kids, if you're trying this at home, Step 4 is really important.



Step 5: Body Armour. This layer serves multiple purposes. It is "safety equipment" designed to offer the player some protection from the many potential impacts they may experience during any given game. It is also "danger equipment" used to ram other players, preferably into walls, ice, or still other players. Additional Robocop armour is fitted to the lower arm.



Step 6: Jersey and Beer. The jersey actually contributes very little to the functioning of the outfit except provide some further insulation, however it is immensely psychologically significant. The jersey covers up the armour layers below, creating an illusion that the player is much larger than he actually is. This is similar to the way cats puff out their fur to look bigger and more threatening to potential adversaries. Beer is technically not a part of Step 5, but a free floating step that should be added at multiple points throughout the pre, during and post game activities.



Step 7: Head Protection. This includes a mouth guard to protect any remaining teeth and a helmet to protect any remaining brains.

The player is now dressed and ready to hit the ice ... with any part of his anatomy. Once he has put on his enormous padded gloves and picked up his whacking stick he is ready to kick butt (the only unpadded part of his opponents' bodies).