Keep Your Passenger in the Gutter

People of Fresno beware! I am driving in the USA.

So far, so good. I have remained steadfastly on the right side of the road. The vehicle has stayed at all times within my own lane. I have not headed the wrong way into any driveways. I have not frightened any other motorists, or even any passengers. I think it's going pretty well.

However, it is stressful learning to drive on the wrong side of the road, from the wrong side of the lane, in the wrong side of the car! My heart pounds and my mouth goes dry. Lane changes bring me out in a cold sweat and busy intersections induce a strange rash. If I do come to any harm while driving, I suspect it won't be because I'm on the wrong side of the road. It will be because I have a heart attack.

When my American friend Mike first drove a car in Australia, I was in the passenger seat. He handled the switch from right to left with considerable aplomb and made it look much easier than it is. Mike also shared with me some advice that reminded him where on the road he should be: "Keep your passenger in the gutter."

These words of wisdom have been immensely useful and, when driving, I can be heard repeating them loudly at intersections. It has become my personal mantra, a magic spell chanted to ward off evil spirits (Californian drivers). I find myself silently mouthing other words of power as well. If you ever see me driving here you may notice my lips moving: "Tight right, loose left. Tight right, loose left." It helps, not just to figure out where the car should be, but also to keep my mind clear of distractions. It's a form of meditation: "Clear your mind of all thoughts except staying alive."

It's like learning to drive all over again. Remember your first lessons, when you had to concentrate totally on each little task, so that you couldn't change gear and watch the road at the same time? It's like that. The driver's seat is on the wrong side of the car, and plus you have to look over the wrong shoulder to reverse and change gear with the wrong hand, but you operate the same pedals with the same feet as in Australia. It's bizarre. You can't just instruct your brain to switch all left side habits to the right side of the body, because not all of them have changed. Having to use my right hand to change gear is probably the most distressing. I am sure there will come a time when I reach instinctively to change gear and end up opening my door.

Wish me luck and remember, wherever you are in the world, always keep your passenger in the gutter.