The most gorgeous man in the universe

Those of you who know me from Sydney may recall a competition speech I gave in which I mentioned the most gorgeous man in the universe, a man I met in a bar in Texas. The text of the speech is reproduced below just in case anyone is interested. This is what the most gorgeous man in the universe looked like three years ago.

For those of you who enjoy such gossip, he looked just as good, and was just as charming last week.

I emailed the pic below to my friend Viv who immediately exclaimed "He has eyes like yours!"

I still don't know exactly what she meant. Although I have chosen to take it as a compliment, I'm now rather worried by the psychological implications. Does the desire to gaze into my own eyes mean I'm an incurable narcissist?

Note the naughty boy designer stubble and unnaturally long eyelashes as described in the speech below. In this case, I couldn't improve on reality.

Let my experience be a lesson to you all. Seize the day. By the time you come back the most gorgeous man in the universe will always have a girlfriend.

International Speech Contest - 2006

Today, I want to talk about something that we have all experienced. I want to talk about fear. You all know the feeling … your heart pounds, your stomach drops, your muscles tighten. Raise your hand if you know what I’m talking about. We’ve all felt it.

There are two types of fear. One is fear of physical danger. That’s the fear when you’re about to step off the curb and a bus roars by, a millimeter from your face. Fear helps you avoid danger. It clears your mind of all thoughts except getting away from that bus. It gives you the foresight to look both ways before you step into the traffic. It’s protective; it’s life preserving.

The second kind of fear is the fear of looking stupid. We all know about that one too right? I can’t talk to strangers, or I can’t dance at parties because people might not like me. They might laugh at me. They might think I’m stupid. Fear of embarrassment can make your mouth dry up just like a bus in front of your face. But fear of embarrassment doesn’t really protect you from anything. No matter how smart you are or how hard you try, sooner or later you’re going do something stupid. You’re going to trip over your dog and end up with your head in the fish tank. Your brother-in-law is going to film the whole thing and send it to funniest home videos. You’re going to leave your fly undone when you’re doing a speech. Fear of an embarrassing experience doesn’t stop embarrassment. It stops experience.

For a long time I didn’t know the difference between a life preserving fear of danger, and a life denying fear of embarrassment. I tried to avoid everything I feared and I missed out on a lot of experience.

A couple of years ago I was in Texas for two weeks. On the first night I met the most gorgeous man in the universe. He was like a model, but somehow more refined, more delicate. He had long tapered artist’s fingers, naughty boy designer stubble and eyelashes longer than Bambi’s. He was dreamy. His name was Andy. He was a university student who worked nights in a bar. I was there just about every night aching for Andy. And he gave every sign of aching back. We stared across the crowded bar into each other eyes, we smiled shyly, we blushed, we looked away. The only thing we didn’t do was talk to each other. I couldn’t talk to the most gorgeous man in the universe! What if I said something dumb! What if he didn’t like me? This went on for two weeks!

Finally, on my last night in Texas we accidentally started talking. Andy was not only gorgeous, he was charming and funny and smart and utterly adorable. And he liked me! And I had a plane to catch. How stupid did I look then!!!

If I had spoken to Andy on the first night and he had brushed me off then that would have been embarrassing for a moment. I would have forgotten by now. But letting fear rob me of that opportunity … I remember that.

How many opportunities have you missed? How many new friends have you been too afraid to meet? How much more laughter could there have been in your life, even if some of it was at yourself?

The turning point in my relationship with fear came when I met an American Psychologist called Michael Yapko. He said something that changed my life. He said: “Anxiety is the price tag for planning.” Suddenly I understood. I realized that the fear of looking stupid isn’t really fear, it’s anxiety, and it has a different purpose. Not to make us avoid challenges, but to give us the energy to plan for them. Anxiety is the pricetag for planning. It’s not supposed to be paralyzing or life denying, it should be energizing and motivating. I’d been thinking about it all wrong.

So I changed my thinking. Back then I had a fear of aggression. I was afraid to stand up for myself. I recognized that anxiety. I embraced it. And I started planning.

I took up Karate. I trained six times a week and slowly, very slowly, I learned to fight back. One day I fought a real full contact champion, a 6 foot 2 Karate superhero. And do you think I was scared? Are you kidding? I was terrified. But I wasn’t afraid of being hurt. I was anxious about being embarrassed, being humiliated. That turned out to be a very well founded anxiety. He swatted me up and down the dojo like a lion playing with a mouse. It was awful, and it lasted forever. But I kept my hands up and somehow I got through it. And at the end of that day, they gave me my black belt. I recognized my anxiety, I planned, and fear could no longer hold me back.

One day I realized I had a fear of public speaking. I recognized that I was anxious about standing up and talking in front of an audience. What do you think my plan was? It was the same as a lot of people here. I joined Toastmasters. And here I am. Whichever one of us wins this competition it doesn’t matter. If I blow it and end up looking like a mouse standing next to lions, that doesn’t matter either. I might be embarrassed for a moment, but I’ll have the experience forever.

Every one of us competing today has faced fear. We’ve recognized that anxiety is the pricetag for planning, and we haven’t let the fear of an embarrassing experience stop us from experiencing life. We all deserve a black belt and we have nothing to fear, even from the most gorgeous people in the universe.