Hotel California

We have stayed in an assortment of hotels during my time here. Some have been quite nice. Others have been absolutely terrifying.

Memorable experiences include the pink and green Grandma decor in Monterey, the marine traffic in Oakland and the outside toilets near Disneyland. Right now I'm lying on a bed in a hotel which advertises "continental breakfast and panoramic views of San Francisco". That must be the other side of the hotel because the view from my window would more accurately be described as "weatherboard wall".

First prize for the number one scary hotel goes to a nameless establishment in Long Beach. The first disappointment came when we discovered that the guy on reception had never heard of the wireless internet access advertised on the hotel's website. He had, as he cheerfully admitted, never actually looked at the website. No false advertising laws, no problem.

I was a whole lot more concerned when I left my room in the morning to find the stairwell blocked off with police tape and a van marked "Coroner" parked below my balcony.

The truck driver in one of the other rooms filled me in on the details. Apparently, a guest was climbing the stairs when he heard that there wasn't any internet access in the rooms, whereupon he had a heart attack and fell back down again to his untimely death.

It was a fairly gruesome sight to wake up to and an uninspiring start to Day 1 of Cruise 2. In fact, I was so perturbed that I skipped the continental breakfast entirely.

Here's hoping we all make it through tonight alive, because I've already lost out on the panoramic views.